Age gaps are common in relationships between Western men and Filipinas. Some of these marriages are among the happiest you'll see. Others fail because nobody talked honestly about the gap.

Whether it works depends less on the number than on the conversations you have early.

This is one of the first things men in their 40s, 50s and 60s ask me about. They're surprised, and sometimes suspicious.

The short answer is culture. In the Philippines, a woman marrying an older man is far more accepted than in the US. Many women say they want a mature man. Some have been hurt by younger men who weren't ready to settle down. Some saw that happen to a sister or a friend, where a young man left when a baby came.

One member told our consultant he had hoped to meet women between 40 and 50. She suggested he widen his range, and told him about a couple from one of our recent webinars: he was 59, and she was 27 when they met. The member changed his setting to 28 and up.

That's not right for everyone. But if your age filter is narrow, check it. Women outside your range can't write to you at all.

Not every man wants a big gap, and that's a good choice too.

One member told us there were plenty of pretty younger women on his list. But the woman he was most serious about was 49. She was open about her life and her work, and their values matched. He said he needed someone closer to his own age.

Another member, a widower in his early 50s with three children, set his range at 40 to 52. He wanted a partner who would fit into the family he already had.

Neither of them was wrong. Pick the range that fits the life you actually want.

The minimum age to marry in the Philippines is 18. Under the Family Code, a Filipina between 18 and 21 also needs her parents' written consent, and between 21 and 25 she must ask for their advice. If she's younger than 25, her parents are part of the process by law, not only by custom.

With a wide gap, you may be nearer in age to her father than to her. Some families accept this easily. Others need time. Respect for her parents, and patience with their questions, matter more than anything you say about your feelings for her.

A younger woman often has plans that aren't finished yet. One member was getting close to a woman who was still in school. He wasn't sure she'd be ready to move to the US before she finished. Our advice was to ask her directly about her studies, her career and whether she wants to relocate.

If she's in her early 20s, she may still want to become a nurse or a teacher. A good husband encourages that. Talk about it before you're serious, not after.

Scammers often target older men with stories of family emergencies and sudden bills. A real partner will understand if you won't send money before you've met in person. Someone who pressures you is telling you what you need to know.

Ask yourself one question. If she were your daughter, would you want her to marry a man like you, under the plan you have in mind? If the answer is yes, and you can explain why, you're probably going about this the right way.

Sources: Family Code of the Philippines, Articles 5, 14 and 15 (minimum age, parental consent and parental advice).